The books shown on the left are by Riley Ellis. Click on the cover to order.

This interview was conducted by Timea Barabas on December 17, 2025.

Timea Barabas:  What prompted you to write The Ultimate Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist?

Riley Ellis:  The stress of divorce can be hard on anyone, but as I went through my own divorce, I found the mind games my now-ex played especially difficult to manage. Because I have a narcissistic father as well as an ex-husband, I decided to begin the journey of better understanding what creates a narcissist and how it is that people fall for them. (I’d prefer not to do it again.) Through that process, I interviewed scores of people who had various types of relationships with narcissists and wrote my first book on the topic, UNMASKING NARCISSISM’S GUISES. What I learned through the process was that a whole bunch of us become trained to think we can’t live without the narcissist, and that a whole lot of us need more help than what an average “how-to-divorce” book can provide.

Timea Barabas:  What was the hardest part about writing the book? What about the easiest?

Riley Ellis:  Of the three books I have written on narcissism, this was the easiest. The other two are aimed at understanding and maintaining relationships with boundaries; this one has a single purpose: to help you get through your divorce as sane and whole as possible. Although I try to write with humor, finding appropriate ways to include humor in this book was the most difficult part of writing. It is a serious subject, but we all learn best when we can laugh a little.

Timea Barabas:  Your bravery to open up about your personal experience is part of what makes this self-help guide truly special. You seem to do this with such ease. Does it really come easy for you?

Riley Ellis:  That is a solid and resounding no. For nearly twenty years, my drug of choice was cognitive dissonance. Being honest and open about my own experiences is important. I want others to know they are not alone, but no, it isn’t easy.

Timea Barabas:  You share a lot of helpful resources, tasks, and exercises with readers. Do readers need to prepare in any way before sitting down with the book?

Riley Ellis:  Hopefully, I’ve done all of the front-end work for them. With luck, this will be where they start, and the whole process will be easier than it might otherwise be. Readers should be able to sit down with this book and a highlighter, and get ready to dog-ear some pages as they begin to plan.

Timea Barabas:  What inspired the book cover?

Riley Ellis:  You’d have to ask my cover artist. She offered me three to choose from, and I simply said, “This one looks great, thank you!”

Timea Barabas:  Narcissistic personalities are complex and elusive. How can people know that they are married to a narcissist? Or if/when they should file for divorce?

Riley Ellis:  This is such a difficult question, and after all of the interviews I’ve conducted and people I’ve met, the honest answer is that it depends on the person. What I found through the course of my interviews is that those who choose to stay often do so for reasons that boil down to the same things: Financial security, access to healthcare (if they live in the states), and the idea that they are nothing, or have nothing without the narcissist. Some people said, “I’ve lived with it this long, and I don’t want to break my family up.” As a near-death survivor, my answer changed from all those same themes to, “Life is short, and this is not how I want to live it.” A year after my divorce was finalized, three of my siblings are currently navigating divorces with their narcissistic spouses. It is a tough season in our lives, but we all feel we are genuinely having our “glow up.” There simply came a time when we all said, “Enough, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” I think that, once you see the narcissist for who they are, it gets a lot harder to stay.

Timea Barabas:  Protecting the well-being of children throughout the divorce proceedings and after occupies an important part of the book. What advice can you give parents, beyond what you talk about in the guide?

Riley Ellis:  I’m really passionate about this topic. My parents’ marriage and divorce were horrifically scarring to my siblings and me for a number of reasons. We don’t need to do that to our kids. When we get to the point that we are strong enough to ask for a divorce, we have finally seen the narcissist for who they are, and we must acknowledge that we chose that person in our lives, but the children had no choice and will be linked to that person for the rest of their lives because of a choice we made. Don’t speak negatively about your ex in front of your kids; it only makes you look bad and makes an already difficult relationship that much harder to navigate.

Timea Barabas:  You encourage readers to reach out to you for support and guidance. Can you share with us the first interaction with a reader that comes to mind? Why was that so special?

Riley Ellis:  The first reader who reached out did so for another book I’ve written: LEAVING THE NARCISSISTIC NEST. She shared with me her own journey of growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent, how difficult it made her relationship with the other parent, and how much she connected with the book. I only share details of interviews and interactions when people give permission, and she has not given it, so I’ll keep it vague, but learning that a book I’ve written has helped others, even a single person, means the world to me. I have events every month where I give some of my books away for free – helping others means more to me than any monetary value ever could.

Timea Barabas:  Talk to us about the other books you wrote so far. How are they all connected?

Riley Ellis:  I’ve already mentioned the two others that are currently in this series. I’ve begun interviewing people for my next book, which will be on parents who discover they’ve raised narcissistic children, and I’ll be writing a book specifically about parenting with a narcissist post-divorce. I’ve written two other books that are included in this series, as the series is not solely driven toward narcissistic topics, but topics under the umbrella of mental health. My first book was: BETTER PARENTING FOR GIRLS WITH ADHD, and offers a wealth of information I learned through the difficult journey of raising my daughter, and the fact that ADHD in a lot of girls does not look the same as it does in boys. Because I spent so much time learning the difference, I already knew quite a lot about what helps boys as well, so you’ll also find in my series: BETTER PARENTING FOR BOYS WITH ADHD.

Timea Barabas:  Do you have any future projects lined up?

Riley Ellis:  Yes! In addition to the two that I already mentioned, which center on topics related to narcissism, I have, in the back of my brain, ideas forming around ADHD and organization skills – mostly because the battle for my daughter to put her things away continues to be front and center in our home. I choose topics on things I want to learn about at least as often as I choose topics where I already have a lot of knowledge and history. For me, the research and learning are just as fun as putting pen to paper.

Thank you for taking the time to do this interview with me.

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